by Gary Paramanathan
I was born in Jaffna, raised in Colombo, and reached adolescence in Sydney. In 2010 I returned to Jaffna after being away for 20 years. These are thoughts I put into words as I was waiting the hours and days to return to more familiar ground, i.e Colombo and Sydney.
My First Visit by Gary Paramanathan from iSrilankan on Vimeo.
The text of the poem is below :
My First Visit
Over fed, bloated like a ballon
I sit contemplating my reality
Oh with what audacity
I would even consider my fate
In the same chair my ancestors had faced
such gruesome, violent hate
I was the privileged one
for what my parents had done
They jumped that queue,
what few would do
to provide a better life for me
and my sibling.
Like that bloated balloon
I was full of air
a sense of emptiness
A word, a statement of hate could blow me up.
Today as I stared out into the bustle of mango trees
the needle to the balloon was that word
Identity
When a man in a faraway land
stares at you contemptuously
you agree to the differences,
you are not from there
but when a man in your own town
stares at you with such intensity
What do you do?
He knows I am different
With his black, luminous, hungry eyes
he burns a white hole in my mind
You can’t fool me, he says
you are an alien in your own world
He still stares at me with such intensity
He doesn’t speak,
a smirk is enough to push across the point
Why are you here?
Broken like an empty ballon
I stare back.
Those terrible words again.
Identity.
Are you not Tamil,
A Sri Lankan,
A northerner?
I am everything mother but here
I’m not sure.
I know I am no longer one with my land
I sometimes think migration
is the greatest trauma of the 20th century.
The so called third culture kids
we are not white, oh we are reminded of that
everyday
Nor are we black.
A native. A local.
We’ve choked our language
Smothered our traditions
Swallowed our customs.
and we are now individuals
we own things.
So what are we now
Those terrible words again
Identity.
Gary Paramanathan is Sri Lankan-born Australian currently residing in Sri Lanka. Gary is a filmmaker, a writer and an arts worker. His foray into arts comes after completing his university studies (Bachelor of Commerce at The University of Sydney), and finding nothing amusing about a nine to five job. Gary is the founder and director of Colourfest: Australia’s multicultural film festival. You can check out his work on Vimeo.
Love this story!
You have hit the nail on the head. I love this poem and think should also need to be shared among other Sri Lankans who dream of greener pastures for their children. Would you give permission to translate this to Sinhala.
Dhanushi
Hi Dhanushi, sure i’d be happy for this to be translated and shared.
Intense! The sense of non-belonging in belonging!